Lakpa Sherpa's Article

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Lakpa's Story about his past Drug addicted Life:

Who Am I?

Sounds a silly question for most of the people coz for some of them, these words are very simple and easy to define but for me it took nearly 10 years to know myself. People have their own identity for themselves and society, but for me it was a great experience coz the answer to all these years I was hunting for, was very well-known and conscious, but hard to surrender and admit - it took really 9 years to do so. That is: I am (was) an addict and I live one day at a time. I have a disease with me called addiction along with an age factor and I am not the only one to have this disease in this world. Though, now, I am clean, my problem is not only drug addiction today but this disease has affected me in many aspects of my life. I now think that drug is not my problem, the bottom line is, I had an addiction problem in me as a child coz when I reflect back to my childhood, I find myself to be a shy one, seeking importance from childhood friends and people around me, trying to do negative and unnecessary things in order to be the center of attraction. Right from my tender age lying, stealing, manipulating parents, people and situations grew so intensely that I didn't have to learn from any one and it was just there right inside me , all I needed was a small encouragement "Ya! You can do it"; and certainly what one addict always carry with him is, an attitude like my way and thinking is different from other: I am Unique. I know every thing and I am clever. Certainly drug didn't come in my life first coz first came negative thinking, feeling and the allowance to let this feeling rule me. I never had a good image in school as I always went against the authority and the rules of schools, I used to feel great doing immoral things. At home being the only son started to take parents for granted and thought them to be some kind of "money-making machine" - my king baby so strong and is. If I wanted any particular thing, I used to get obsessed really fast. Certainly, a mask of an innocent boy came on my face as a disguise for parents - deceiving them. My addictive behavior, personality grew day by day. So now when I didn't get all the attention which I was seeking for from people, friends, I started to fill this emptiness by taking alcohol - as I heard that the intoxication will give me energy and guts to do some thing exceptional, such as talking to girls and act like a boss in a group, but due to the awful smell, I was always caught by teachers and authorities. So, to get the same high feeling without the smell I shifted to grass and when I used it first, I felt like a big boy of my school though, I was just in class. From this small age I started to grasp negative notions very fast and I used to hunt for things which gave me satisfaction. As I stepped in to my youth my addiction had amplified so much with ego, false pride and certainly I needed more attention from everyone and to get it, I started using chemicals and I used to feel unique. My body, face slowly started to change and my talking too with words such as bread, hunt, seek, broke etc. as an addict uses for his/her verbal communication. I started to carry resentments against society, friends and parents - a blaming attitude towards them for what I was becoming, trying to control and change them the way I wanted them to be. Drugs was not the only problem, my attitude towards the world had changed. At first I used to feel great while using it and a false confidence evoked saying that I can leave drugs any time I want, but I didn't know that drug was ruling my life in such a manner that without (ab) using I couldn't do anything. The concept of God was bleak and I had a notion that I was from another world and he is from another, and if god really exists I needed a proof. I used to think that I was born under a bad sign and felt great about it fear, belief, trust slowly seemed to fade from my life and I was totally selfish - "ME FIRST". Affairs - I never continued for long because whenever I got myself involved, I found the person to be an object - such as sex and money making whenever I needed. By the age of 20 I had become a perfect Junkie. My taste for life was totally negative - my room showed posters of rock stars all over the four corners, with sounds like Mozo rising, Kaya and of course the word Legend enveloped me. Rapidly chemicals started to rule and control me with all my addictive behavior along with things like acceptance, admittance turned out to be a powerless speech and I had no value for it coz I was not been able to accept myself. Life was turning out to be a big chaos for me and I was becoming unmanageable day by day. First symptoms which I faced was, whenever or whoever I used to indulged in with, I used to feel rejected, a fear of rejections was plant in me and I couldn't relate to normal people. I was becoming high, seeking person who needed some kind of energy to make him feel different and "high". Then the only solution I saw was in drugs and due to my drug using I was becoming menace to my parents, society and loved ones; I started using people to get my drugs and had become a one track minded person - how to get money for the stuff and how to get more and more; this naturally lead to stealing, selling of ones own possessions etc. At home I had a false believe that my parents and people around me doesn't know what I was doing and I was living in an illusion and I became a person filled with selfishness, self-centered feeling and a person whose life wholly became dependant on drugs, ego and false pride. My life was becoming a hell, but still no idea of quitting drugs. Get up in the morning early and start stealing money from dad's pocket or sister's purse. If I didn't get the money then I would force my mom for to provide me the same. She knew for what her son was asking money, but due to my ragging and my condition, she was compelled to give me money. But how long that money's trip gonna last. So finally I had to do something in order to get the stuff for morning, coz I knew that if I didn't take, especially in the morning, I would be sick and I was really afraid of being sick - the body pain mostly, I was so much dependant on drugs. Even if I wanted to quit I was unable to, due to the obsession and the compulsion, as (ab) using drug had become so strong. A kind of fear had developed inside me that if I don't take my dose today I will be sick and won't be able to sleep. The fear of death had died out and was replaced with the fear of falling sick, pain and loneliness, but despite all the things realization on me didn't come instead. Physically I started becoming delicate but there was no sign of realization, "Jab Tak Jaan Tab Tak Taan" was my attitude. Never thought that I could again become a normal person. I had forgotten all of my natural being, behavior and actions; the only thing that always struck was to get the drugs - by hook or by crook, I must have my drugs first. One day as usual I was looking for carrying luggage for passengers on the bus stand (the act of a broker) "Dalal" with long uncombed hair, shabbily dressed and a favorite two stripe slippers with lots of dirt in between the fingers of my feet, who really stinked. Saw one of my old using partner although elder to me passing by I was very much confused by seeing him totally changed ,fresh and clean and couldn't believe the way he looked like complete change from the last time I met him Came towards me and started saying to me how long will I fight with drugs surrender man! At first I thought he was giving me Big Talks and dominating me and ignored him and what he was saying to me but some words he told me really touched me and really could identify his experiences, hope and strength and how he came out from the horror of addiction. He told me to come to the NA meetings but though I had the desire to stop using I didn't had the guts to admit that I am having a drug problem but by gods grace I was into one of the room filled with lots of recovering addicts sharing their experiences I first felt very boring but listening to their sharing suddenly the words started to hit me and I started identifying who really I am saw my self in them like a mirror and same disease as they were sharing about I found a hope and strength from seeing them and a question started to grow in me if they can why I can't be clean so I started attending meetings regularly . Now things have changed though the disease is still with me but the ways are different. Today being an addict I have learned to live and live to learn the basic principals of life and my value At last I found my self who am I.Through NA meeting. I was a simple addict with a disease of addiction carrying with me which cannot be cured whole of my lifetime but can be abstain and restore If I have the desire to do so. The only thing I need was a gut to admit and surrender my self to drug. I found there is a hope and I' m not alone who is facing this problem of addiction I don't say that after leaving drug I have become a clean guy but this much I learned from NA meeting is that Drug was my secondary problem the real problem was within me and a big ego of mine which always told me you cannot be a looser the problem was my way of looking at world and ofcourse my self-will. Today I grow and do things I had miss in my addiction time that is love my self, accept my weakness. Recovery is a discovery .Though today still there is a addiction problem with me that shift from one into another forms but through the 12 steps of NA I can see and be aware of what I am doing and what has to be done in order to stay clean and sober. After becoming clean, life has not changed but has given a new meaning to life "Jiyo aur Jina dho". With lots of choices for life." Melody khao khud jaan jao"
© Lakpa Sherpa.

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